- Beneath this stone lies a merry lass
Who aimed for the brake and hit the gas
- Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Quite well, I bet, since it's well fed
By her body decomposing below
- First a cough that carried me off
Then in a coffin they carried me off in
- He caught a fishbone in his throat
Which made him sing an angel's note
- Bob took time off work
By bourbon required
Then he took to the road
Now he's semi-retired
- Once I wasn't and the I was
And now I ain't all over again
- Ida Voider:
She walked in beauty like the night -
Beware her now, she's such a fright!
- When your razor is dull but you need a shave
Think of the man who lies in this grave
- Any day above ground is a good day
- Rest in peace, dear Cousin Hewitt,
We all know that you didn't do it.
- While living folks my tomb do view,
Remember well - there's room for you!
- Farewell my young companions all
From death's arrest no age is free
Remember this, a warning call
Prepare to follow after me
- The wise, the sober and the brave
Must try the cold and silent grave
- Time was I stood where thou dost now
And viewed the dead as thou dost me
Before long you'll be as low as me
While others stand and gaze at thee
- Stop by here, my friends, as you pass by
As you are now so once was I.
As I am now so you still must be.
Prepare for death and follow me.
- Behold and see as you pass by
As you are now so once was I
As I am now you soon will be
Prepare for death and follow me
- Sweet Rosie O'Grady
Carpenters daughter by birth
She decided 'twas time to leave this Earth
She swallowed a tape measure
But dying by inches is hard
So she went out in the garden
And died there by the yard
- He stole our stuff - he had no class
So we got medieval on his ass
- We all have a debt to nature due
I've paid mine - and so must you.
- Owen Moore has passed away
Owin' more than he could pay
- Beneath this stone my wife doth lie
Now she's at rest and so am I.
- It does my heart a world of good
To see you buried in a box of wood
You slept with them all when you were a-creepin'
Now you sleep alone while worms start to seep in.
In loving memory from your grieving widow...
- Expert gardener Pete Moss
Is now enriching the soil
- Grimm Rictus
1837 - 1913
Death's Grip Holds Me Tight,
But I Shall Return One Night
- Ruth and Johnny, side by side,
Went out for an auto ride
They hit a bump - Ruth hit a tree
And John kept going
Ruthlessly.
- She was a suicide blonde -
Dyed by her own hand.
- The hyacinthine boy for whom
Morn well might break and April bloom.
- On the 22nd day of June
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune
- This stone was raised to Sarah Ford,
But not Sarah's virtues to record
For they're well known to all the town
No Lord - it was raised to keep her down!
- Life is a jest, and all things show it -
I thought so once and now I know it!
- Pass on, reader, and don't waste your time,
On bad biography and bitter rhyme
For what I am this stone insures,
And what I was is no affair of yours.
- Stop, reader, pray and read my gate
What caused my life to terminate
For thieves by night when in my bed
Broke in my house and shot me dead.
- Loving and kind in all their ways,
Upright and just to the end of their days.
Sincere and true in Heart and Mind,
What a beautiful memory they left behind
- Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease -
He is not here, there's only his pod.
He shelled out his peas and went to his God.
- John Penny
Reader, if cash you are in want of any
Dig six feet deep and you'll find a Penny
- Don't attempt to climb up in a tree
That's what caused the death of me!
- Here I lie at the Chancel door;
Here I lie because I am poor;
The farther in the more you pay;
But here I lie as warm as they.
- An amiable father here lies at rest
As ever God with his image blest.
The friend of man, the friend of truth,
The friend of age, the guide of youth
- Buried here beneath this clay
Lies gardener John Arbothnaut Jay
Now in his simpeternal home
A constant source of high-grade loam
- When I am dead and in my grave,
And all my bones are rotten,
While reading this you'll think of me
When I am long forgotten!
He heard her tale of matchless woe,
And burning for revenge he rose,
And laid her base seducer low,
And struck dismay to virtue's foes.
- Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
Quite well, it's said, since it's well fed
By her body decomposing below.
- Behold the spot where genius lies,
O drop a tear when talent dies!
Of tragedy, the mighty chief,
His power to please surpassed belief.
- You reading this stone should really know,
The chap buried here used to love the snow.
Until one day while riding his sled,
He hit a tree, thus removing his head!
- Here I lay, rotting away.
I never did learn how to watch what I say!
So when I told her she was getting fat,
She caved in my head with a baseball bat!
- All you that do behold my stone,
Consider how soon that I was gone
Death does not always warning give
Therefore be cautious how you live
Repent in time - do not delay
In my youth, I was called away
- He said he knew he ought to quit
With every cigarette that he lit
So now his butt will always lie
In the big ashtray in the sky
- In heavy traffic he'd never postpone
A single call on his cell phone
So listen closely and I vow
He's still asking "Can you hear me now?"
- Anna Retsick always wanted to be thin
Wishing she looked like bones and skin
Saying no to every dish
Now at last she got her wish
This is a tomb with quite a view
Do come in, there's room for you
But hearken, dear mortal,
And mind me well
For I warn you now
The view is from HELL
- Born of women
Killed by lead
He most likely had
Your wife in bed
- Stephen and time
Are now both even
Stephen beat time
But now time's beat Stephen
- I was somebody ~
Who is no business of yours!
- Dr. Fred Roberts
1875~1931
Office Upstairs
- Mr. Fish
Worms are bait for fish
But here's a sudden change
Fish is bait for worms
Is not that passing strange
- I was Carolina born
And Carolina bred
And I here I lay -
Carolina dead!
- Dr. Ignatius Letsome
When people's ills they come to I
I physics, bleeds and sweats 'em
Sometimes they lives, sometimes they die
What's that to I?
I. Letsome
- He was so brave
He was so cute
Until he forgot
His parachute
- Here I lie snug as a bug in a rug
<<and next to that gravestone, another reads:>>
Here I lie snugger than that other bugger
- He burnt his candle at both ends
It did not last the night
But oh, my dears, and oh, my friends
It made a lovely light!
- Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
- Blown upward, out of sight
He traced the leak by candle light
- When I am dead and in my grave,
And all my bones are rotten.
While reading this you'll think of me
When I am long forgotten!
- A.O. Elle
1985-2005
Connection Terminated
- Shot in the head by a golfer's gun
He sure put a hole in Juan!
- His speed was high, the weather not
His tires were worn - X marks the spot
- The midnight ride of Paul for beer
Led to a warmer hemisphere
- Traveled too long - the driver snoozing
What happened next was not amusing.
| - Now I really am between a rock and a hard place!
- 36-33-01-24-17
Honey you don't know what you did for me,
Always playing the lottery.
The numbers you picked came in to play,
Two days after you passed away.
For this, a huge monument I do erect,
For now I get a yearly check.
How I wish you were alive,
For now we are worth 8.5
(Actual epitaph of Elizabeth Rich, Eufala, Alabama)
- He heard her tale of matchless woe,
And burning for revenge he rose,
And laid her base seducer low,
And struck dismay to virtue's foes.
- Daughter of virtue! Moist thy tear.
This tomb of love and honor claim;
For thy defense the husband here,
Laid down in his youth his life and fame.
- Farewell friends and parents dear,
I am not dead, but sleeping here.
Prepare for death, for die you must
And with your Laura, sleep in dust.
- Her last look we shall never forget,
Though hard to see her expire.
She smiled as she bade us adieu
And said she was going up higher.
- He passed from our sight
Like a dream or a story
From a bosom of love
To a mansion of glory.
- Behold the spot where genius lies,
O drop a tear when talent dies!
Of tragedy, the mighty chief,
His power to please surpassed belief.
- See death remove the eldest son,
Just as the family is begun;
And three pairs of twins in a short space,
To quicken us in the Christian race.
- Weep not for me, mother & brothers dear
It is God's wish that I am here
At my sweet age I swallowed a bone
That sent me to a happy home.
- All you that do behold my stone,
Consider how soon that I was gone
Death does not always warning give
Therefore be cautious how you live
Repent in time - do not delay
In my youth, I was called away
- Here I lie
It's no wonder I'm dead,
For the wheel of a semi
Rolled over my head.
- Warm summer sun, shine kindly here
Warm southern wind, blow softly here
Green sod above, lie light, lie light
Good-night, dear heart,
Good-night, good-night.
- She failed her breathalyzer test
Now she lies with all the rest
- Beneath this stone, a lump of clay
Lies Uncle Peter Daniels
Who early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels
- She was dear as life could be
Hath crossed alone the narrow sea
Why should we fear the distant shore
Since she we loved has gone before
- Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake
Who died for peace and quietness sake
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin'
So he sought for repose a twelve-dollar coffin.
Short was her sickness, severe her pain
To rest in peace is now her gain
Dry up your tears and weep no more
She is not lost, but gone before
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bred
And the Lord did send them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Open, open wide ye golden gates
That lead to the heavenly shore,
Our father suffered in passing through
And Mother weighs much more
At rest beneath this slab of stone
Lies stingy Jimmy Wyatt
He died one morning just at ten,
And saved a dinner by it
- A light from our household is gone
A voice we loved is stilled
A place is vacant in our hearts
Which never can be filled
- That once loved form,
Now cold and dead,
Each mournful thought employs
We weep our earthy comforts fled
And withered all our joys
- Sleep on sweet baby and take thy rest
God called thee home - He thought it best
Shed not for her the bitter tear
Nor give the heart to vain regret
'Tis but the casket that lies here
The gem that filled it sparkles yet
'Gone fishing', the sign said
that hung upon the door.
An Angel had put it there
God was waiting on the shore.
I'm dead now and here I lie
I hear no laugh and I hear no cry
Where I've gone and how I fare
Nobody knowing now gives a care
Heave a sigh for old John Doak
He didn't know his brakes were broke
Planted here beneath sod,
At peaceful rest lies brother Claude
The pipes have called
For our good friend John
He once was here
But now is gone
- Here lies an obnoxious punk
Played a loud stereo in his piece of junk
He came through my hood, which wasn't smart
Now he's buried under my tombstone art
- Lived a life of stress and worry
Rushing through it in a hurry
Didn't stop to smell the roses
But now he feeds them as he decomposes
Here lie the remains of dear old Randy
A heck of a guy, but now worm candy
Beneath this stone is our pal Richard
His fall from the Space Needle
Left the sidewalk fissured
The curtain made it's final call
For our wonderfully operatic Paul
Thought the orchestra pit was
Ten more steps when he went splat
He forgot to C# so now he B-flat
"Checkmate!" was the call
To dear old Jon
On the chessboard of life,
He was just a pawn
Here lies hypochondriac Rick
For once he was right
When he said he was sick
Maria has gone to the Pearly Gate
For once in her life, she wasn't late!
Here lies Lisa who always played Lotto
And now she lies in this loamy grotto
Here lie the of bits & pieces
of Jumpin' George
Still had bungie cord left
At the bottom of the gorge
He said "No net!" and knew no fear
He made a misstep and wound up here
To Lance Linguini, we raise a toast
He saw five sharks swimming off the coast
He outswam four - but the fifth? Almost!
(This would be good with a stone shaped like a shark fin!)
Throughout his life he kneaded bread
And deemed it quite a bore
And now six feet beneath earth's crust
He needeth bread no more.
- He found a rope and picked it up
And walked away with it.
It happened to the other end
A horse was hitched, they say.
They took the rope and tied it up
Unto a hickory limb.
It happened that the other end
Was somehow hitched to him!
- She was not smart, she was not fair
But hearts with grief are swellin'
All empty stands her little chair
She died of eatin' watermelon
- Beneath this stone, we lie
Back to back, my wife and I
And when the angels trump shall trill
If she gets up, then I'll lie still
- Little Willy in the best of sashes
Played with fire and was burnt to ashes
Very soon the room got chillly
But nobody like to poke poor Willy.
- Wherever you be,
Let your wind go free
For holding it in
Was the killing of me!
- I was not
I am not
I grieve not
- As a stranger she did die,
In strange lands she doth lie
Here by strangers was laid
And her funeral charges paid.
- Tired of this eternal buttoning and unbuttoning
- I made an ash of myself
- Here lies an old Atheist by the name of Joe -
All dressed up, but no place to go!
- A victim of fast women and slow horses
- In memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life November 2, 1837
Aged 45 years
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood,
One Wood within the other
The outer wood is very good
We cannot praise the other
We all have a debt to nature due,
I've paid mine and so must you.
Life is a jest and all things show it
I thought so once, but now I know it.
You might be a king or just a street sweeper
But sooner or later, you dance with the reaper
- Here at rest lies Cowboy Joe
Grabbed the bull by the horns
But forgot to let go
- Killed by a lion, poor Betty Lou
While feeding it at Woodland Park Zoo
Such a shame she was not wiser -
Since she ended up his appetizer
- Here he lies, all cold and hard,
The last darn varmint that pooped in my yard
I was alive, but now I'm not
So now I lay here, continuing to rot.
Please be kind. Please be sincere,
And next time you visit, please bring me a beer!
Poor little Lily - Now food for worms
She didn't use soap and caught some germs
He liked to play, did little Matt
He played in traffic - And now he's flat
Poor poor Sally - she lost her life
She ran and stumbled with a knife
Lovely, lovely, little Blanche
Fell from the tree and hit every branch
Little Jenny ate too many sweets
Now her little heart no longer beats
Beneath this plot lies little Ned
He caught a cold and now he's dead
Too much candy made Billy burst
They boxed up the pieces in the hearse
His sister caught him unawares
Startled, Sammy fell down the stairs
- Under this stone lies Billy Joe Bob
Stealing chickens was his last job
- He had no friends because everyone hated him
Except for the worms, because they ates him.
- He was a simple man who died of complications
I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife That something on this spot may boost of life. Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot. Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.
- The kid could play soccer -
This was no idle boast.
But the ball hit the net
When his head hit the post.
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