Jokes & Riddles

(All G-Rated!!!!)

Below are some great, quick one-liners. Want something a little bit longer? Then hit the cute stories page for some more haunting humor!

What's Dracula's favorite flavor of ice cream?		Vein-illa
What does the chairman say at the start of meeting of ghosts?		*"Gentlemen, be sheeted!"*
Who belongs to the Monsters PTA?		Mummies & deadies
What did the comedian get on Halloween?		Plenty of Snickers
How do you make a witch scratch?		Take away her "w"
What's a skeleton's favorite kind of fruit?		A bone-ana
How do you know when Dracula has a cold?		He starts coffin
Why won't skeletons go to scary movies?		They don't have any guts
Why can't skeletons play church music?		They have no organs
Why are there always big high fences around the cemetery?		Because everyone's dying' to get in!
What does a skeleton say at meal time?		*"Bone appetite!"*
What did Frankenstein & his bride get as a haunted house warming present?		A membership in the "Spook of the Month" club.
How does a sky diving blind man know he's just about to land?		The leash goes slack!!!
What did the french fries dress up as for Halloween?		Masked potatoes
When's the best time to buy clothes for a skeleton?		During a "Back to Skull" sale
What do you get when you cross Dracula with Frosty the Snowman?		Frostbite
What do you call a person who puts poison in a someone's corn flakes?		A cereal killer
What do you get when you goose a ghost?		A handful of sheet!
How do you make a witch stew?		Keep her waiting for hours.
Where do spooks go for sun and surf?		Mali-boo
What happened to the man who didn't pay his exorcist's bill?		He got repossessed!
What's the best tool to use on a broken chimpanzee?		A monkey wrench
What do you call a fly without wings?		A walk
What do vampire chickens say?		*"I want to cluck your blood!"*
What's the Mummy's favorite type of music?		Wrap! (Get it? Wrap / rap)
How popular was the witches last show?		It was standing broom only!
Why do ghosts make a bad audience?		All they can do is "Boo!"
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius?		The pumpkin's pie
Where does the Wolfman work?		In a werehouse
Are vampires really crazy?		No, but at night they're known to get a little batty
Why was the skeleton dying eggs?		He wanted to be the Easter bone-y
What do witches wear at the beach?		Suntan potion
What's the most popular ride at the Monster Amusement Park?		The roller ghoster
What does the cat say on Halloween?		"Trick or trout!"
Why did the witch cross the road?		It was the chicken's day off.
Why does the Mummy keep his Band-aids in the freezer?		In case he has cold cuts.
Where do the really great werewolves hope to end up?		In the Howl of Fame
What's the best way to catch an ear of corn?		Use a cobweb!
Is it true witches aren't afraid of dead bodies?		Of corpse!
What would you get if you cross Sleeping Beauty with Dracula?		Tired blood!
What do you call a monster who likes to play jokes?		Prankenstein!
What musical instrument is a witch's favorite?		The hag pipes
What musical instrument is the favorite of Hawaiian ghosts?		The spookulele
What's the difference between a vampire and a computer?		One has bytes of memory, the other has memory of bites
What do you get if you cross a chicken with ET?		An egg-straterestrial
What do you call a huge haunted pumpkin?		Gourd-zilla
What do you call a work of great art by a spook?		*"Its a monster-piece!"*
What kind of pajamas do vampires sleep in?		100% coffin
How do yuppie ghosts stay in contact?		By using their cellular moans
How do you build a haunted house?		Just follow the boo-prints!
How do you know your sound system is haunted?		It comes with stereophonic shriekers
What's big and gray and wears a mask at the theater?		The Elephantom of the Opera
What's big and green and goes "Oink, Oink?"		Frankenswine
Why did the Mummy excuse himself?		He needed to go to the rest tomb
Why wouldn't the Herman Munster's car start?		It needed new spook plugs
What kind of birds do you find a Maliboo Beach?		Sea ghouls
Where will you find cat mummies?		In a purr-amid
Who is the best mummy wrapper in Egypt?		The Wizard of Gauze
What was the outcome of the race between the mummy, the zombie and the skeleton?		It was a dead heat
What do Mummies read to their children before bed?		Ghoul-dilocks and the Three Scares
What do you call dead cows that come back to life?		Zombeef
What would you call Dracula & Elvira if they were dating?		A vampair
What's Dracula's favorite type of dog?		A bloodhound
Why wouldn't the skeleton cross the road?		He didn't have the guts.
What do monsters serve for dessert?		I scream
What do sea monsters eat?		Fish & ships
Why won't ghosts go out in the rain?		They don't live having their spirits dampened
Why do you always see ghosts & demons together?		Because demons are a ghoul's best friend
Why did Dracula need mouthwash?		He had bat breath
Where do spooks go on vacation?		Lake Erie
Why don't skeletons eat spicy food?		They just can't stomach it.
What does a monster wear when it rains?		His ghoul-loshes
Why did the ghost cross the road?		Because the chicken got run down by an 18 wheeler
Why don't mummies go on vacation?		They're afraid they'll relax and unwind!
What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!"		A monster laughing his head off
Why wouldn't the mummy answer the phone?		He was too wrapped up.
What does a vampire say when he wants to take another vampire to lunch?		*"Do you want to go out for a bite?"*
Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom?		'Cause he didn't have any BODY to dance with!
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?		He had no guts.
What do you call a hundred monsters in a row, jumping backwards?		A receding SCARE line!
What do you get when a ghost sneezes?		BOO-gers
What did the mother ghost say to the baby?		Dont worry, humans don't exist
How did the priest make holy water?		He took some tap water and boiled the hell out of it...
What's a ghost's favorite type of pie		Boo-berry
Why wouldn't the handkerchief stop dancing?		Because it still had a little boogie in it.
What do you call a witch on the beach?		A sandwich
Where does a vampire keep his money?		In the blood bank
What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?		She flies off the handle
What's a monster's favorite bedtime story?		Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Bears