Who's On First?   
 

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On the Halloween-L email list, someone asked "What can you do with a Talking Boris?" A Talking Boris is a Halloween prop that was available a few years ago - it's a skull with microphone and when you speak into the microphone (or as the packaging referred to it, the micro-bone), the eyes would light up and the jaw move giving the illusion of a talking skull. I replied that for our Halloween party, I put two up in the dining room, in the corner bookcase units, with the microphones running up to the top, where we have hidden speakers from the stereo. For the Halloween party, I played my Disneyland Haunted Mansion 30th Anniversary CD which has the entire ride soundtrack from start to finish ("Welcome, Welcome . . . Well, come in!" to "Hurry back, and don't forget your death certificate!"). It works well because the "Ghost Host" alternates speaking on the left speaker for a little bit and then the right speaker for a little bit, so we had one Boris speaking and then the other Boris speaking.

In response to the same question, D Anello & C Digger from the Halloween-L list got together and created this great script based on Abbott & Costello's "Who's On First?" routine - and with D Anello's permission and encouragement, I'm posting it here!

In response to the original question, D Anello replied - "When you mentioned about the Talking Boris and what you did with them it got me thinking....What about doing the Abbott & Costello "Who's on First" with a twist? Digger C and I got together and came up with this version for the list."

For those of you not on the mailing list, here's a quick glossary of terms to get you up to speed:

Bucky - the name of the life-size skeletons you can get from Anatomical Chart Company's Halloween division - Boneyard Bargains

Boris - Boris came out for Halloween 2000. It's a skull on a stand with an attached microphone. There's a speaker inside the skull. When you speak into the microphone, the eyes flash red and the jaw bounces open & closed so it looks as if the skeleton's speaking. (I'll post a picture later)

An MP3 version of the script performed by Kevin Ambrogio is available here.

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Bucky

Alright, now whaddya want?

Boris

Now look, I'm the head of the autopsy department. I gotta know the cadavers’ names. Do you know the guys' names?

Bucky:

Oh sure.

Boris:

So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.

Bucky:

Well, I'll introduce you to the boys. Now let's see, who we have on the slabs - we have Who on the first, What on the second, and I Don't Know on the third.

Boris:

That's what I wanna find out.

Bucky:

I said Who's on the first, What's on the second, I Don't Know's on the third-

Boris:

You know the fellows' names?

Bucky:

Certainly!

Boris:

Well then who's on the first?

Bucky:

Yes!

Boris:

I mean the fellow's name!

Bucky:

Who!

Boris:

The guy on the first slab!

Bucky:

Who!

Boris:

The first corpse!

Bucky:

Who!

Boris:

The guy laid out on the first slab!

Bucky:

Who is on the first slab!

Boris:

Now whaddya askin' me for?

Bucky:

I'm telling you Who is on the first slab.

Boris:

Well, I'm asking YOU who's on the first slab!

Bucky:

That's the man's name.

Boris:

That's whose name?

Bucky:

Yes.

Boris:

Well, go ahead and tell me.

Bucky:

Who.

Boris:

The guy on the first slab.

Bucky:

Who!

Boris:

The first corpse.

Bucky:

Who is on the first slab!

Boris:

Have you got a toe tag for the first corpse?

Bucky:

Absolutely.

Boris:

Whose name is on the tag?

Bucky:

Well, naturally!

Boris:

When you enbalm the first corpse, who gets the fluid?

Bucky:

Every drop. Why not? The man's entitled to it.

Boris:

Who is?

Bucky:

Yes. The wife may come down and inspect it.

Boris:

Whose wife?

Bucky:

Yes.

Boris:

All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on the first slab.

Bucky:

Oh, no - wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is on the second slab.

Boris:

I'm not askin' you who's on the second slab.

Bucky:

Who is on the first.

Boris:

I don't know.

Bucky:

He's on the third - now we're not talkin' 'bout him.

Boris:

Now, how did I get on the third slab?

Bucky:

You mentioned his name!

Boris:

If I mentioned the third corpse’s name, who did I say is on the third slab?

Bucky:

No - Who's on the first.

Boris:

Never mind the first - I wanna know what's the guy's name on the third slab.

Bucky:

No - What's on the second.

Boris:

I'm not askin' you who's on the second

Bucky:

Who's on the first.

Boris:

I don't know.

Bucky:

He's on the third.

Boris:

Aaah! Would you please stay on the third slab and don't go off it?

Bucky:

What was it you wanted?

Boris:

Now who's layin' on the third slab?

Bucky:

Now why do you insist on putting Who on the third slab?

Boris:

Why? Who am I putting over there?

Bucky:

Yes. But we don't want him there.

Boris:

What's the guy's name on the third slab?

Bucky:

What belongs on the second.

Boris:

I'm not askin' you who's on the second.

Bucky:

Who's on the first.

Boris:

I don't know.

Bucky & Boris:

THIRD SLAB!

Boris:

You got any in coffins?

Bucky:

Oh yes!

Boris:

The occupant’s name?

Bucky:

Why.

Boris:

I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.

Bucky:

Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Boris:

Alright, then tell me who's in the coffin.

Bucky:

 Who is on the fir-

Boris:

STAY OFF OF THE SLABS! I wanna know what's the name of the body in the coffin.

Bucky:

What's on the second slab.

Boris:

I'm not askin' you who's on the second slab.

Bucky:

Who's on the first.

Boris:

I don't know.

Bucky & Boris:

THIRD SLAB!

Boris:

The guy in the coffin’s name?

Bucky:

Why.

Boris:

Because!

Bucky:

Oh, he's in the hearse.

Boris:

Look, you gotta mortician on this team?

Bucky:

Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a mortician.

Boris:

The mortician's name.

Bucky:

Tomorrow.

Boris:

You don't wanna tell me today?

Bucky:

I'm tellin' you now.

Boris:

Then go ahead.

Bucky:

Tomorrow.

Boris:

What time?

Bucky:

What time what?

Boris:

What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's the mortician?

Bucky:

Now listen. Who is not the mortician. Who is on the fir-

Boris:

I'll break your arm if you say "Who's on the first slab?" I wanna know what's the mortician's name.

Bucky:

What's on the second slab.

Boris:

I don't know.

Bucky & Boris:

THIRD SLAB!

Boris:

You got a grave digger?

Bucky:

Oh, absolutely.

Boris:

The grave digger's name.

Bucky:

Today.

Boris:

Today. And Tomorrow's the mortician.

Bucky:

Now you've got it.

Boris:

All we've got is a couple of days on the team.

Bucky:

Well, I can't help that.

Boris:

Well, I'm a grave digger too.

Bucky:

I know that.

Boris:

Now suppose that I'm digging a grave, Tomorrow's the mortician on my team and our coroner shows up.

Bucky:

Yes.

Boris:

Tomorrow gets the body. The coroner logs in the body. When he wants to enbalm the body, me being a good grave digger, I wanna dig the grave for the guy on the first slab. So I dig the grave for who?

Bucky:

Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Boris:

I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!

Bucky:

Well, that's all you have to do.

Boris:

Is dig the grave for the guy on the first slab?

Bucky:

Yes.

Boris:

For who?

Bucky:

Naturally!

Boris:

If I dig the grave for the body on the first slab, somebody's gotta go in it. Now who goes in it?

Bucky:

Naturally!

Boris:

Who goes in?

Bucky:

Naturally.

Boris:

Who?

Bucky:

Naturally!

Boris:

Naturally.

Bucky:

Yes.

Boris:

So I dig the grave and I bury Naturally.

Bucky:

NO, NO, NO! You dig the grave for the body on the first slab and Who gets buried.

Boris:

Naturally.

Bucky:

That's right. There we go.

Boris:

So I dig the grave and I bury Naturally.

Bucky:

You don't!

Boris:

I bury who?

Bucky:

Naturally.

Boris:

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

Bucky:

You're not saying it that way.

Boris:

I said I dig the grave for Naturally.

Bucky:

You don't - you dig the grave for Who.

Boris:

Naturally!

Bucky:

Well, say that!

Boris:

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! I dig the grave for who?

Bucky:

Naturally.

Boris:

Ask me.

Bucky:

You dig the grave for Who?

Boris:

Naturally.

Bucky:

That's it.

Boris:

SAME AS YOU!! I dig the grave for the guy on the first slab and who goes in it?

Bucky:

Naturally!

Boris:

Who goes in it?

Bucky:

Naturally!

Boris:

HE BETTER GO IN IT! I dig the grave for the guy on the first slab. whoever it is gets lowered in it so I dig a grave for the guy on the second, who's grave gets filled up with dirt from what, whats grave gets filled up with dirt from I don’t know. three for the price of one.

Bucky:

Yes.

Boris:

Another body comes in - it takes a long time to embalm him. Why? Because. I don't know. He's on the third slab and I don't give a damn!

Bucky:

What was that?

Boris:

I said I don't give a damn!

Bucky:

Oh, he’s getting cremated.

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